Pack Up and Go?

I had a quick chat tonight with a friend from college to catch up. We haven't talked much in a while. She mentioned that she's leaving in a month for grad school in Ireland. This is an amazing opportunity for her - a grad program that aligns with her interests in a country she absolutely loves that's less expensive than staying in her native city. I'm happy for her, I really am. But at the same time, I'm insanely jealous.

We're both the same age, but she's in a position where she can pack up and move overseas for a year. I, however, can't. I'm being hit with the sudden realization that I can't just pick up and go; decisions have to be made as a unit now considering both of our futures, hopes, dreams, and finances. Don't get me wrong, I love C and can't wait to start a life with him. I've never been much of a free spirit or one to do things on impulse. But knowing that's not really an option anymore is leading to a bit of a freak out. We're both open to relocating if it makes sense down the road, but unilateral decisions are out.

I know I'll be OK in time, but I need to know- Am I crazy for thinking this? Has anyone else had this kind of pre-wedding freak out?

When You Need a Friend

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I've been going full steam ahead on wedding planning lately, even working on things that can't actually be "done" yet (like seating charts and table numbers) so that when the time comes, I have the basic thing done and just need to make a few tweaks. Even though we're about 11 months out, we have a venue, two ministers, a dj, cake, florist, my dress, bridesmaids dresses, my shoes, my veil, and our wedding website is waiting in the wings for people to see when our save the dates go out. I'm doing all this now knowing that while unemployed, I couldn't spend all of my time looking for work, but that in a few weeks I'll be working full time, and then in August I'll be back in school part-time too, right up until a month before the wedding.

For the most part, I'm doing this on my own. Don't get me wrong, C will contribute to decisions if he has an opinion, and he will tell me if what I'm doing looks nice or not, and my mom is handling a bunch of logistics since we're getting married in our hometown which is 350 miles from where we live now, but when I'm copying addresses over or tying to figure out how to make things fit and look good in the process, it's me on the couch with my laptop (and maybe a beverage).

Let's be honest. I don't make friends easily. I do have a couple good friends, but I don't get to see them often. Only one of my close friends/bridesmaid K lives in the area, and our schedules often conflict. I got a chance to see her at our city's 4th of July festival, which was great, but while there found out she won't be able to go to a bridal show with me in a couple weeks like we had planned. In the grand scheme of things, I know it shouldn't be a huge deal. She has a work trip, we're both adults, things happen. But I don't really get to feel like a "bride" very much. My mom, FMIL, and FSIL went to a bridal show a couple months ago and had a great time without me, since I couldn't drive 6 hours each way for the afternoon. Even shopping for bridesmaids' dresses was fun but the saleswoman just stood there looking bored and the three of us ran the appointment by ourselves. I was the one zipping them in and out of dresses. We did that with each other in college, but going into a bridal store I expected interaction from the person trying to sell me something. I had bought my dress there as well and had a much better experience. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat, but I just want to feel special once in a while.

A lot of these feelings were brought to the surface by this post on A Practical Wedding. July's theme over there is Friendship. I love APW, and certainly agree that friendship and marriage are two things that need to be discussed relative to each other. But the level of appreciation and support that were expressed in that thread were hard to read. Intellectually, I know my girls love me, but it's hard when you're separated by hundreds of miles and crazy schedules. I'm not sure what the next 11 months will bring. I know everyone plans on being there for a couple days leading up to the wedding and that R feels bad about not being able to be around more. In the meantime, I'm not sure how to "fix" what I'm feeling.

Relieved?

I finally have a new job (pending the background check and blah). A large part of me is finally breathing easier. I can't relax too much though, because I don't start until the end of the month. That means one more month of my savings taking a beating.

I'm also nervous for the job, but trying very hard not to let my anxiety get the best of me. That's happened before, but I have medication and coping skills on my side now. However, I'll be working in an industry I know nothing about in a somewhat supervisory role, with two days of training. I just have to keep reminding myself that the person who hired me saw something in me, and that is what I need to channel when I start on the job. It's also going to mean weird hours and personal sacrifice, but it seems like a better fit for me than other jobs I've had in the past. So for right now, I celebrate. Worrying can come later.

Riding the Rollercoaster

I've had a lot of thoughts the last few weeks that I've been struggling to put into words. I apologize that I haven't gotten anything else up in the meantime. I'm still working on getting those thoughts together, but I did want to talk about the rollercoaster that has been the past 24 hours.

I had been semi-following the news coming out of Texas on SB5, the bill that would severely restrict abortion rights in the state. Now, I'm not in Texas, but I am a woman, and that's reason enough to care about the outcome. I watched the live-stream of the state Senate floor for about 4 hours until it cut out, and then turned it a feed showing the crowd out in the rotunda. In the end, I ended up going to bed at about 2:30 am as the chaos continued in Austin and Senators argued over whether or not the vote counted.

I woke up this morning to the news that the vote did not in fact count. The women of Texas could maintain control of their bodies. Shortly after the Supreme Court rulings on DOMA and Proposition 8 were announced. While the Prop 8 decision could have gone farther, both decisions were good enough to celebrate. The day was 3 for 3 and it wasn't even noon.

But then, in the midst of the celebratory tweeting and facebooking, something else popped up. Miguel, the good-natured, chatty, wonderful food service employee at my alma mater had passed away suddenly in his sleep. We all remember Miguel as someone who would talk and laugh with you as he cooked your food, handle special requests in stride, and maybe even throw in a little ribbing during football season if you were supporting the "wrong" team. Most of all, he treated us as individuals, not the key to his paycheck, and even remembers many of us when we are back to visit. So thank you, Miguel, for all the good you brought to our campus. RIP, and who knows, maybe heaven is where the Eagles have a good season.

Frustrated

I'm officially in my third month of unemployment. I've had two interviews out of dozens of applications. I'm watching my back account diminish while my motivation tanks even faster. I'm trying to push myself through everything that needs to get done, but it's hard to be cheery and hopeful all the time. I can't talk about applications or where to look anymore. It feels like an exercise in futility. I know I need to clean the kitchen and work on dinner, but taking a nap and ordering pizza sounds so much simpler.