Dealing With What I'm Doing

One of the things I've been trying to accept is that I'm not where I thought I would be professionally, and, honestly, I have little hope of that changing anytime soon. I've temporarily given up on finding anything in my chosen field and I'm working in an entry-level call center position. And I'm struggling with it. I'm struggling with adjusting to the job, and I'm mentally struggling with the fact that this job feels like a disappointment. Most days I'm able to deal with it, but then it gets brought up to the surface easily. Over lunch with a coworker one day recently, she asked if I had thought about going to school. I told her about the short version of how I went to school, got a degree, and still wound up there. I played it off as "Yup, the economy sucks, things happen" but inside it left me feeling like a failure all over again. All through high school and most of college, especially once I came to my senses and changed my major to one that felt like the natural choice for me, I was the stellar student - the overachiever - the success story. Now, just over a year later, I'm in a job where none of that matters. Yes, it's a step up from waiting tables, but its still not where I expected to be.

I'm not just having issues with the difference between where I am and where I expected to be, but some of the specifics of the job as well. I do like to have people around, but I don't like constant contact with a stream of strangers. I need a break from people sometimes, and I do prefer to work with people I know. Taking calls from 40-60 different people per day is probably not the best fit for me. If I eventually move up, I can move into positions where I would handle fewer calls or even have more of my interactions be internal calls. If that were the case, it still wouldn't really be ideal for my personality, but at least I'd be interacting mostly with people who were on the same page.

One thing that I did set out to do, was help people. I may not be doing that in the most earth-shattering way right now, but I do get a good feeling when I find a way to save someone money, or solve their concern. I don't make everyone's day, but I'm glad when I can leave someone happy. It helps to boost me back up from the mental drain of constant interaction with so many different people.

I have to keep telling myself that it will get better. Life is full of curveballs. I have no idea where I'll be in five years. I have to look to posts like this one by Maddie of A Practical Wedding for a reminder that no matter how good your prospects may look early, life can be full of twists and turns. Early highs provide experiences to fall back on, but they don't guarantee anything. Even looking in my own family I see that some people followed a clear, logical career trajectory and others have taken a less direct route. The important part is that I keep looking for the bright side and take opportunities as they come. I realize that I can't have everything all at once, but I'm not going to feel sorry for myself just because life isn't the way I want it to be right now.

So it's been a while...

The other night, my boyfriend called me out on the fact that I hadn't posted in a while. And, yeah, it has been months. At first, I had ideas swarming around in my head and just didn't get them written down, but then, as time wore on, I got busy, and well, life happened. In the last five months, I started a new full-time job, left the restaurant I had been working at, moved to a new apartment with my boyfriend, and started a weight-loss program at work. I still need to get to the gym, but this program seems to be helping - I'm down six pounds in eight weeks. I'm not trying to fight my body down to a tiny size, just trust it to settle down to the size it naturally wants to be.

With all the change that's been happening, I've certainly been stressed. The boy and I have been living together for just under two months, and it's taking time to settle into a routine, naturally. We're getting there. This is definitely a change for the better. My new job, while certainly providing needed income, is not where I thought I would be. There are opportunities for growth and benefits and all that jazz, but there's also a lot of stress along with it. I'm focusing on accepting it for what it is right now. I'm making an effort to not bring it home with me at night. When I leave work, thoughts of work stop (well, mostly, but I'm trying here, ok?).

I'm also realizing that I need to find some type of outlet for myself. I don't really do much other than work, housework, errands, and hang out around the house. This needs to change. Step one is going to be getting back to the gym. It'll be a way to keep active and get out of the house while hopefully even relieving some stress. Step two? Well...that'll happen later.

There's a lot in my life that I'd like to change. I know I can't change it all overnight, but I can keep moving forward.

What a Month

Well. This month has been interesting. I started off with the best intentions, but getting laid off while being sick doesn't really help things. Of course, that spawned dealing with insurance changes, unemployment filing, and more shifts at the diner. Yay! There's nothing quite like a heaping helping of stress to cause chronic health issues to flare up. Long story short, I spent an evening in the ER and am now having my meds adjusted and dealing with all kinds of fun side effects. Tingling in the hands? Check. Extreme tiredness? Check. Mental fog? Double check. There seems to be a pattern of the side effects settling down about 3-4 days after my dose increases, so with any luck, I should be ok in about two weeks. At that point, I will definitely refocus on taking care of myself. I'm doing that now, too - staying hydrated and getting lots of rest, but I have absolutely no energy to work out. I really need to though. I start my new job one month from today. I WILL be back on track by then. I need to be.

Didn't see that coming

The last few days, I was out sick with a flu-like issue. So while I was on the couch drinking plenty of fluids yesterday, I got a phone call from my contact at the temp agency I'm working through. The company I was working at had decided that they no longer needed any of the temps - effective immediately. Yes, there is a chance that some of us may be hired on permanently in February, but that's a very slim chance. I'm hoping to pick up more hours at the restaurant I've been working at off and on, but it's not going to come close to making up for the paycheck I'm losing. I'm eligible for unemployment apparently, but that just makes it seem so real, so I'm going to hold off on filing until I know how things are going to go with the job I've been interviewing for. If it doesn't work out, I'll file and then go crazy applying for just about any job I can find.

I've decided that at least for now, while I'm in job limbo, I'm going to try to use my time productively. Today was a lot like a Saturday for me. I ran errands, cleaned the kitchen, and took care of a few other things. I also got back onto the exercise horse by walking 1.64 miles around my neighborhood. I'm rounding out the night with a great cathartic release provided by the magic of television: Big Bang Theory, Grey's Anatomy, and Private Practice. I'm trying to just maintain balance between taking care of myself, moving on, and dealing with everything that's happened. I guess at the very least, I have more time for the gym. :-)

Starting in the Middle

When telling a story, most people start at the beginning. But what if the beginning is hard to pinpoint? Was the beginning of the changes in my life in May when I graduated and moved out on my own? Was it two years ago when I decided to radically change my major over the course of one weekend? Was it when I graduated high school and was able to put the not-always-pleasant experience behind me? I'm not going back five years, or even two; six months is even a lot to try to cover, so I'm starting in the middle.

In the past eight months, I've graduated from College, moved out on my own, thought I had my dream job, found out I didn't have my dream job, gained about 15 pounds, and settled into a routine of working two jobs. I've worked on accepting my current employment situation (though that may be changing soon *fingers crossed*), but, clearly, some things need to change. Again.

The problem is that I'm not always the best at initiating changes. I've lost track of the number of times I've decided to get in shape. I've recently joined a gym, and was really good about going for a while - until I got sick and confined to my apartment for a week. That was 6 weeks ago. I baked a pan of brownies last night. Yeah, this is working real well. But as of today, that is changing. The brownies (ok, most of them) are going into the freezer, and I am going to the gym after work on Monday.

Obviously, that is not the only change I need to make, but I'm going to start there first. My hope is that by making this public, I will have the perseverance to keep moving forward, even though I'm going to hold off sharing this with my family and friends for a while.

I guess this is a beginning after all.