Oh What a Week

My routine has been thrown in the toilet. I need to get it back before I lose my mind. I'm going to push to organize my life as much possible again, but with any luck, my schedule will drastically change in the next week or so. *Fingers crossed*

Much of last week was spent working to pick up the apartment and get it ready for my parents to arrive Thursday. Thursday morning, C had a later shift, so we went to the gym together. When we got back I baked and took care of some last minute cleaning. By the time my parents got here, C was at work. They took me grocery shopping and stocked us well (!) before heading back to the apartment to hang out for a bit. The four of us went out to dinner to celebrate both my and C's birthdays with Hibachi.

Friday my parents and I went shopping (ok, mom and I shopped while my stepdad wandered the mall and drank coffee on a bench) while C was at work. Our lunch was ColdStone and our dinner was homemade chimichangas and Spanish rice. Sorry I don't have pictures of any of that; we were too busy going way over our calorie limits for the day to take pictures. I did, however, manage to squeeze in a quick workout before my parents picked me up in the morning.

Saturday was another hectic day, at least in the morning. We both got up early and made ourselves pretty. After a quick stop at the store to pick up a hanging plant for my mom, we met up with my parents for an early Mother's Day/farewell breakfast. - Quick note about the hanging plant. Since my early college years, I've been buying my mom a hanging plant for Mother's Day to hang on the porch. My stepdad also buys her one in early summer. His always dies midsummer. Mine traditionally makes it through to fall. I have to keep buying the plants.

Anyway, after breakfast, my parents headed north and C and I went to my alma mater's graduation. I'm only two years out, so I had a few friends graduating, including my senior year roommate. It was an emotional roller coaster. There's nothing like realizing that I was in their position two years ago to cue the introspection. I also was moved to tears when the student speaker spoke. She was also a member of the Forensic Speech team while I was on it and in the years after when I came back to help coach and judge at tournaments. She joined my senior year, quiet and nervous and new. She dove in and learned quickly. She kicked ass. And then when she spoke at that podium under the tent, the pride over how much she's grown was overwhelming. She did a beautiful job. When I saw our coach after the ceremony, he completely agreed. Unfortunately, when I went to congratulate her, the sky opened up and it began to pour, so we had to cut things short. Luckily, she was the last person I needed to track down. By the time we back to the car we were soaked. My dress was completely clinging to my body in a way that leaves nothing to the imagination - and that was with an umbrella.

Sunday was pretty chill but filled with laundry. Monday I had a very important meeting that will have a big influence on the next chapter. Nothing is finalized yet. We shall see what happens. In the meantime, I have to wait and try not to stress-eat too much. I'm also going to try to get into a routine and work on posting a little more regularly so I don't end up with such huge posts and then cut myself short.

All in all, I had a good, if exhausting, long weekend, but I really need to get myself back on a schedule. I'm so lost without it.

Getting Back in the Groove

Good intentions have a way of getting the best of me. Of course, that is no reason to quit trying. Blogging, being healthy, taking care of myself -they all have slipped and struggled over the last eight months. Now, it's time for a clean slate. 

As far as getting back into blogging is concerned, I might as well get started. I actually scheduled this post to go live on my birthday at the time of my birth. I'm sure there's some sort of symbolism there. (Really, that's about 6.5 hours from the time I'm writing this so it's not like I scheduled a huge delay.)

C and I have settled into a routine, life has changed, and we've adapted our routine to fit it. In fact, things are going so well, that this happened in September. 

We're giving ourselves lots of time to plan since we want to go back to our hometown to get married. So, June 7, 2014 is the day we take the next big step. It seems so far away, but hopefully it will go fast.

I mentioned when I last posted ages ago that I had taken a job at a call center. It turned out to be very damaging. I had two chronic health issues dramatically escalate and started having panic attacks at work. Eventually, I made the decision to leave after just over a year. I'm still unemployed (and searching), but C still has income coming in and I had been able to build up some savings, so I'm OK for now. I'm still working to see that leaving this job is not necessarily failure on my part, just the inevitable result of a horrible fit. Square peg, meet round hole.

In my new-found free time, I've gotten more "domesticated". I've always enjoyed cooking and baking, but now I'm experimenting more and not restricting myself to quick and easy. Obviously quick and easy has a place, but slow and not too complicated can be so wonderful as well. 

All three of those meals (and more) came out of a kitchen so small that the oven door is about 2-3 inches away from the front of the washer when it's open, and is only about 6-8 feet long. So I don't want to hear your excuses about having a crappy kitchen.

Confession: I'm an emotional eater. The last few months have taken a toll on the scale. I bought my wedding dress in November (didn't intend to, it just happened), so I need to make sure I still fit in it a year from now. If I keep doing what I was doing, that's just not going to happen. The holidays happened and then stress got worse and, well, it wasn't pretty. To the tune of gaining back the 8 pounds I lost last summer/fall and then an extra 10. C and I have made a renewed effort to go to the gym and eat better (I'm in charge of getting veggies into us and we're both watching portions). I have the C25K app on my phone and I'm doing well so far. We're both using MyFitnessPal to keep track of what we're eating in relation to the exercise we're doing. I want to stick with this to form new habits, because when I am logging food, I think twice before I eat something to consider whether or not I actually want to admit to eating it. It helps me to put the junk down. I need to do that. But, it's also nice to look at the numbers and see that a little something sweet won't ruin the day or week.

So this is where I am. I'm working with what is and striving for what I want to be. Maybe I can make the two meet in the middle.

Dealing With What I'm Doing

One of the things I've been trying to accept is that I'm not where I thought I would be professionally, and, honestly, I have little hope of that changing anytime soon. I've temporarily given up on finding anything in my chosen field and I'm working in an entry-level call center position. And I'm struggling with it. I'm struggling with adjusting to the job, and I'm mentally struggling with the fact that this job feels like a disappointment. Most days I'm able to deal with it, but then it gets brought up to the surface easily. Over lunch with a coworker one day recently, she asked if I had thought about going to school. I told her about the short version of how I went to school, got a degree, and still wound up there. I played it off as "Yup, the economy sucks, things happen" but inside it left me feeling like a failure all over again. All through high school and most of college, especially once I came to my senses and changed my major to one that felt like the natural choice for me, I was the stellar student - the overachiever - the success story. Now, just over a year later, I'm in a job where none of that matters. Yes, it's a step up from waiting tables, but its still not where I expected to be.

I'm not just having issues with the difference between where I am and where I expected to be, but some of the specifics of the job as well. I do like to have people around, but I don't like constant contact with a stream of strangers. I need a break from people sometimes, and I do prefer to work with people I know. Taking calls from 40-60 different people per day is probably not the best fit for me. If I eventually move up, I can move into positions where I would handle fewer calls or even have more of my interactions be internal calls. If that were the case, it still wouldn't really be ideal for my personality, but at least I'd be interacting mostly with people who were on the same page.

One thing that I did set out to do, was help people. I may not be doing that in the most earth-shattering way right now, but I do get a good feeling when I find a way to save someone money, or solve their concern. I don't make everyone's day, but I'm glad when I can leave someone happy. It helps to boost me back up from the mental drain of constant interaction with so many different people.

I have to keep telling myself that it will get better. Life is full of curveballs. I have no idea where I'll be in five years. I have to look to posts like this one by Maddie of A Practical Wedding for a reminder that no matter how good your prospects may look early, life can be full of twists and turns. Early highs provide experiences to fall back on, but they don't guarantee anything. Even looking in my own family I see that some people followed a clear, logical career trajectory and others have taken a less direct route. The important part is that I keep looking for the bright side and take opportunities as they come. I realize that I can't have everything all at once, but I'm not going to feel sorry for myself just because life isn't the way I want it to be right now.

So it's been a while...

The other night, my boyfriend called me out on the fact that I hadn't posted in a while. And, yeah, it has been months. At first, I had ideas swarming around in my head and just didn't get them written down, but then, as time wore on, I got busy, and well, life happened. In the last five months, I started a new full-time job, left the restaurant I had been working at, moved to a new apartment with my boyfriend, and started a weight-loss program at work. I still need to get to the gym, but this program seems to be helping - I'm down six pounds in eight weeks. I'm not trying to fight my body down to a tiny size, just trust it to settle down to the size it naturally wants to be.

With all the change that's been happening, I've certainly been stressed. The boy and I have been living together for just under two months, and it's taking time to settle into a routine, naturally. We're getting there. This is definitely a change for the better. My new job, while certainly providing needed income, is not where I thought I would be. There are opportunities for growth and benefits and all that jazz, but there's also a lot of stress along with it. I'm focusing on accepting it for what it is right now. I'm making an effort to not bring it home with me at night. When I leave work, thoughts of work stop (well, mostly, but I'm trying here, ok?).

I'm also realizing that I need to find some type of outlet for myself. I don't really do much other than work, housework, errands, and hang out around the house. This needs to change. Step one is going to be getting back to the gym. It'll be a way to keep active and get out of the house while hopefully even relieving some stress. Step two? Well...that'll happen later.

There's a lot in my life that I'd like to change. I know I can't change it all overnight, but I can keep moving forward.

What a Month

Well. This month has been interesting. I started off with the best intentions, but getting laid off while being sick doesn't really help things. Of course, that spawned dealing with insurance changes, unemployment filing, and more shifts at the diner. Yay! There's nothing quite like a heaping helping of stress to cause chronic health issues to flare up. Long story short, I spent an evening in the ER and am now having my meds adjusted and dealing with all kinds of fun side effects. Tingling in the hands? Check. Extreme tiredness? Check. Mental fog? Double check. There seems to be a pattern of the side effects settling down about 3-4 days after my dose increases, so with any luck, I should be ok in about two weeks. At that point, I will definitely refocus on taking care of myself. I'm doing that now, too - staying hydrated and getting lots of rest, but I have absolutely no energy to work out. I really need to though. I start my new job one month from today. I WILL be back on track by then. I need to be.